Last week, my new friend Renee invited me to an ice bath, breathwork, and sound healing event that she and a few others were hosting here in Playa del Carmen. I’ve always loved the way my body and mind feel after a cold water plunge, and for quite some time now I’ve been very interested in experiencing a guided breathwork session, so this sounded right up my alley. The week before had presented some new and unwelcome challenges, and while nothing I was dealing with was really too serious, I had found myself spending a lot time in an uncharacteristically irritable, judgmental, and emotional headspace. I could feel that I needed a release of some kind, but I wasn’t sure what that might look like.Although I had never experienced this particular combination of practices, I suspected that the one-two combination of the ice bath and breathwork might help me clear my head and regain some internal balance. With that in mind, I quickly accepted the invitation and eagerly awaited the event’s arrival.

Finally, after a relaxing Thursday morning of drinking tea, eating tasty food and watching a few episodes of Avatar, the time of the event was nearly upon me.I packed up a yoga mat, towel, hoodie, and bathing suit, hopped on a bicycle, and headed towards the address of the host house. Upon arrival I was greeted by my Renee, who quickly introduced me to everyone else who was there. There were seven of us attending in total, as well as the organizers Renee, Josh, and Antonio. The whole group helped to carry up a bunch of bags of ice for the water from the car, and after staging them in the shade, we all sat down and did some introductions (name, where you’re from, your history with cold water) and then got a rundown of the afternoon’s events from Renee and Josh. Once we were all oriented, we each placed a bag of ice into the water with our intention for the afternoon and then changed into our bathing suits and circled around the tubs. I was the first to volunteer to go in, and my partner was a woman named Rebecca who had never done an ice bath before. We each took a big breath, and with the exhale, Rebecca and I simultaneously stepped into the tub and plunged as deep as we could into the water. 

We both stayed in the water for about four minutes before calling it quits, but after getting out and quickly rewarming, I felt some regret over not staying in longer. Watching others stay in the ice for periods approaching ten minutes only served to confirm my feelings that I tapped out too early. Regret is a bitch, so a few minutes later I went back in for another round. This time I pushed myself to stay in longer and I submerged fully before exiting the tub, something I hadn’t done during my first round. I was thoroughly chilled after the second bath and took quite some time to rewarm fully, but my regrets had been washed away and I felt bathed in an incredible sense of presence.

After the ice baths were finished, we went to the yoga mats that had all been set up in a row and found our places. We were all situated close in proximity to one another, but not uncomfortably so. To my left was my new friend Margot, and to my right my new friend Olga- I had yet not had a chance to speak personally with either of them, but they both seemed lovely and I felt very relaxed next to them. We listened closely as Renee described the breathwork in detail, providing plenty of information and thorough instructions. At the end of twenty minutes of rhythmic breathing, we’d hold our exhalation as long as possible, then hold the next inhalation as long as possible, and finally we would sink in and relax to enjoy the music and the aftereffects of the breathwork. It sounded simple, and while I had never done breathwork of that sort for a duration as long as twenty minutes, I knew that the group energy and the coaching from Josh and Renee would be more than enough to get me through the duration.

We all laid down with our heads in the direction of the instruments, and after a quick demonstration and practice round, we began the real work. The inhalation went like this: fill your belly first, then your chest, then visualize the air going into your head. The exhalation was a quick, somewhat forceful release of all of the air in the lungs, and was followed by immediate repetition of the inhalation, and so on and so forth. The first few minutes were exploratory, with each person finding the right rhythm for their own practice individually. I dove right into a fairly rapid pace, and for a short time noticed that my breathing was almost exactly in sync with that of my friend Antonio, whose mat lay just a few feet away from mine. Maintaining that pace was a challenge; my throat was dry and my diaphragm was tired, but I kept on pushing and the minutes began to blur together. 

After some time, we were notified of being halfway through, again when there were about five minutes left, and finally once with one minute left. By around what I estimate to be minute seventeen, my body was feeling many of the effects that Renee had told us we may experience: cramping in the extremities, tingling, and an increasingly altered state of consciousness. By this time, it was hard to focus, and there were a few moments where I stopped breathing for a few seconds because my mind was wandering aimlessly. Attention was difficult to maintain, but the coaching helped immensely and kept me on track. At last, when we hit the twenty minute mark, Renee instructed the group to take three more breaths, and after the third, exhale fully and hold it. I forgot to hold my exhale at first, but then did as I was supposed to after realizing my lapse in attention..

I pushed myself to hold the final exhalation for a long time. During this hold, I tried to ignore my thoughts and competitive drive, wishing to just have my entire brain shut off, instead attempting to focus solely on my body’s response to such vigorous breathing. My hands and feet were cramping intensely, I was experiencing intense tingling all over, and it felt like nearly every muscle in my body was flexed. After finally giving in and inhaling, I held that inhalation for a while and finally let it out when some of the tingling and cramping was subsiding, wishing to just sink into a state of relaxation and enjoy the music that our hosts had begun to play.

As I settled into stillness on my mat, the increasing volume and rhythm of the music playing directly behind our heads increased the strength of the sensations brought about by the breathwork, and in that moment I felt that the experience was peaking. It was an intense state of clarity and presence, one that I could only compare with how I feel while under the influence of ayahuasca. As the music evolved, I began to feel intense emotion moving around, and the release I had been asking for throughout the week finally came. I began to feel that I could cry, and I surrendered myself fully to that sensation. My face slowly began to tighten, eyes squeezing together tightly and mouth contorting as if they were attempting to avoid the tears through paralysis; when there was no more tension to be held in the face, contractions began racking my chest- they were small at first, but they grew and grew until they had gathered enough momentum that I was fully sobbing. As I sobbed, I was trying to be quiet so as to not disturb the rest of the group, but I knew that at the very least Margot and Olga knew I was crying, and I was fully okay with that. I felt completely safe where I was, and I took full advantage of the release, knowing how badly I needed it and also keeping in mind that I don’t cry easily or often. 

As I cried, I felt all of the emotions, the tension, the doubt and the anger of this last week pouring out of me. The combination of heavenly music from Josh and Renee’s instruments with the state of consciousness that the breathing left me in was absolutely beautiful, and the beauty of the situation made me cry even harder- I was having one of the most profound spiritual experiences of my life. I felt the presence of God. I cried harder and harder, and as I cried, something special happened: for the first time ever, I felt what I believe to have been pure self love. It was non-judgmental, fully accepting, and fully supporting.

As one part of myself released pain, anger, and suffering while experiencing a vast array of emotions, another part of me received and nurtured the pain body with a sense of openness, acceptance, and love that I had never before experienced. I was everything in this moment: I was the sufferer, experiencing the rawness of the emotional flood gates opening and feeling the ecstasy of release; I was the nurturer, providing myself with every ounce of love, presence, and comfort that I did not know I had the capacity to do; and finally, I was the observer, witnessing in awe the lifting of an immeasurable burden, the beauty of the outpouring emotions, and the ineffable sensation of warmth and love which came from inside to meet the pain and suffering. 

During this time, I had been feeling that I needed some touch; I put my hands on the floor next to me, hoping that one of the people on either side would have a hand there waiting to eagerly accept mine in a gesture of support and acknowledgment. No hands were there, so I decided to do something I rarely have been able to do in the past: I held myself. I wrapped my arms around me in the biggest hug that I could manage, and I sunk fully into the feeling that I was being held, not caring or judging the fact that I was the one holding myself. The act of providing for myself the touch that I needed was incredibly empowering; in a symbolic act of meeting my own needs rather than depending on an external source doing so, I was able to lean even further into the self-love that I was feeling, and it seemed to solidify the fact that yes, I’m okay, and yes, I got me. The emotions remained strong and uncontrollable as Josh’s beautiful singing and guitar playing sent vibrations through my body, the sounds so beautiful that I could have died happily right in that moment.

Never before in my life have I been able to fully hold and support myself like that. Every time I have tried to do so in the past, I’ve encountered layers upon layers of judgment, the withholding of certain emotions, self doubt and criticism that taint the purity of the concept of self-love and block the reception of self-support. Feeling the strength of the love for myself emanating from within was enough to intensify the sobbing, and it was a few minutes before the crying stopped. I could sense someone walking around, going up and down the line of us sharing some amazing smelling oils and chime sounds- as I opened my eyes I saw Renee standing over me, and I reached up, grabbing her hand tightly. She reciprocated my hold, and leaned down to give me a tender kiss on the forehead. This act of love was enough to powerfully stir my emotions once more, causing the tears to return for a few more moments as Renee’s hand planted firmly on my chest and her lips remained on my forehead. I felt incredibly nurtured, supported, and loved. 

My tears dried up, Renee moved on, and shortly afterwards, the ceremony concluded with a moment in the fetal position, a few collective breaths, and three chants of “Om” which resonated powerfully from everyone in the group. As I slowly opened my eyes, I was pleased to see light from the setting sun contrasting all of the clouds that had dominated the sky when I last looked at it before beginning the breathwork. The flowers on the rooftop were vibrantly colored and shone with a previously unnoticed beauty, and I felt an incredible sense of peace and gratitude while observing my surroundings. A few conversations were shared before Renee, Antonio, Rachel (a new friend and event attendee) and I went to get some dinner at Mercado 30 in Bajo Cafe. We ate, chatted, had some dessert next door, and said our goodbyes for the time being.

As I write this, I feel drained. Crying is not something I am able to do often, and every time it happens, I am surprised by how much energy it takes and pleased with the sense of liberation from all that was expelled through the tears and the chest heaves. What is more surprising to me than the aftermath of my sobbing, however, is that right now I feel the same sense of tired contentment that I tend to feel after an enjoyable journey with LSD or psilocybin. I am blown away by the power of a twenty minute breathwork session; the breathwork in conjunction with the amazing music provided by the event hosts was as powerful as any plant medicine or drug I’ve ever experienced. Last year, a journey with ayahuasca showed me that my mother, through her unconditional love, taught me how to love myself; this breathwork, in all of its power, brought me to a space where not only was I aware of that love, but I was able to consciously embody and embrace it fully for the first time in my life.

We carry so much trauma, so many habits and histories within us, and are perpetually surrounded by so many distractions that the pathways for this love to shine through and be felt are overgrown and seemingly unnavigable. If there is anything that today taught me, however, it’s that every human being with functioning lungs has the tools needed to clear out those pathways and make all of that bullshit disappear. For even if just for several minutes, a few precious moments of clarity, peace, and absolute presence in the Now can be just the help we need to rebalance and reset our internal systems. Getting out of our heads by going into our bodies may sound like too simple of a solution, but I truly believe that no matter what anyone may be going through, cold water exposure and breathwork are two valuable tools to assist in the journey of enduring and healing.

To everyone reading this: I promise you, that same love I experienced does exist within you; you have all that you need, you are whole, you are enough.